Stan Collymore is pleased to announce his new contract:
1) "I'd have had to be mental not to join Leicester City."
2) "When I first heard about the offer I was in two minds about it."
3) "It didn't take long to work out the contract details and I was delighted to put crayon to paper."
4) "I think the first thing the fans will notice is my dribbling, although hopefully this new course of tablets will clear that up."
5) "Of course I discussed the move with my advisors first, and both my agent and the small purple goblin who lives in my 

underpants were in full agreement that this was the right choice for me."
6) "After working with a hot-head like John Gregory, I think being managed by a calm, rational character like Martin O'Neill 

will be good for my career."
7) "Yes, I was surprised when Mr. O'Neill called Ken Bates a cretin. I wasn't even aware that Ken came from Crete."
8) "I've been studying videos of the Foxes in action - and I really like it when the little one in the tweed suit says 'Boom! 

Boom!'"
9) "I'm absolutely delighted that we're through to the Worthington Cup Final because the lads here tell me you can get 

about £200 each for your tickets."
10) "I've been saying for a long time that all I need is to get a couple of kicks in and my confidence would come flooding 

back. But sadly Ulrika won't answer my phone calls."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Manure are playing Chelsea and after 10 minutes Stam brings down Weah, who promptly gets up and starts screaming at Stam. 
Beckham runs over and puts his finger to his lips and goes SHHHHHHH, then runs away laughing.
After 35 minutes, Scholes puts Cole away with a magnificent through ball and Cole scores. 
Weah starts loudly berating his defence and once more Beckham runs up to him and goes SHHHHHHHH then runs off laughing.
Towards the end of the second half the linesman flags Weah offside who promptly starts shouting at the linesman, once more Beckham goes SHHHHHH to Weah.
After the game Keane goes over to Beckham and asks him why he was doing that as everyone is confused by it including 
the manure players. 
Beckham whispers in Keane's ear why. Keane rolls back his eyes puts his hands up in defeat and says, " No you idiot he’s 
a LIBERIAN" !!

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

David and Victoria Beckham decided to become adventurous and climbed to the highest peak in England. When they reached the summit Victoria launched herself off the cliff and was free falling when she reached into her pocket and produced a budgie, which she held by the legs 
above her head. 
The little bird flapped its wings like buggery but all to no avail and **SPLAT**!! Victoria landed on the rocks below.
Not to be outdone, David launched himself off the cliff with a parrot on his shoulder and as he gets half way down the 
parrot flies off. He reaches inside his jacket, pulls out a shot gun and blows the parrot away just before *SPLAT**!!
David lands on the rocks below.
As they passed through the casualty department, Victoria turned to David and said "Darling, this budgie jumping is not all 
that safe, is it?"
To which David replied "I don't think much of this Freefall Parrot Shooting either."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An office manager who supports Arsenal arrives at his department and sees a Spurs fan sitting behind a desk, totally stressed out. He also used 
to have a stress problem, so he gave him the following advice to the Tottenham man: "I went home every afternoon for 
two weeks and had myself pampered and sexually satisfied by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped. You should 
try it too, you'll feel like a new man!".
Two weeks later the Gooner arrives at his department he sees the Spurs fan happy and full of energy at his desk. The 
faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed.
"I see you followed my advice?".
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a lovely house !".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were these three guys, Jaap Stam, Andy Cole and David Beckham who all worked together at Manchester United. Everyday they notice that the boss, Alex Ferguson leaves work a little early.

So one day they meet together and decide that when Alex Ferguson leaves, they'll all leave early too. Later in the day 
they see Alex Ferguson leave early so they do too.

Jaap Stam goes home and rests so he can get an early start. Andy Cole goes home and cooks dinner for his family. 
David Beckham goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife, Posh Spice in bed 
with Alex Ferguson, so he shuts the door and leaves quietly.

The next day Jaap Stam and Andy Cole are talking and plan to go home early again. 
They ask David Beckham if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No way! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

David Beckham walks up to a Coke machine in a Scumchester casino, puts in a few coins and out pops a Coke. He puts 
some more coins into the machine, and a can of Tango pops out. He keeps putting in coins, and cans keep coming out.
A guy walks up behind him and says, "Can I please use the machine?"
"**** off!" He says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

David Beckham had a near death experience the other day when he went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until 
the horse started bouncing out of control. 
He tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off.
With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell headfirst to the ground. His head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse 
did not stop or even slow down. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth's manager came 
out and unplugged it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

David Beckham had just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut up a lorry driver. The trucker motioned 
for him to pull over, which he did. The trucker got out of his lorry and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. 
He drew a circle on the road and told Beckham.
"Stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to Beckham's car and cut up his leather seats. When he turned around Beckham had a slight grin on his face, 
so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this."
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in the car. When he turns and looks at him, Beckham has a 
smile on his face.
The trucker's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slashes all of his tyres. 
Now Beckham's chuckling.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on the car and sets it 
on fire. He turns around and Beckham is laughing so hard he is about to fall down. 
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asks.
Beckham replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle four times !!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posh Spice was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she 
took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw who she was and decided to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out. So, the thin-as-you-like 
popstrel went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her exhaust pipe. Nothing happened. 
She blew a little harder and still nothing happened.
Floppy haired hacker Beckham, upon hearing the huffing and puffing from outside the house, pulled a tracksuit over the 
skimpy knickers and peep hole bra he was wearing and went into the courtyard.
"What are you doing?" Asked Becks.
Posh then told him how the repairman had instructed her to blow in the exhaust pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Beckham, clearly shocked at Posh’s stupidity rolled his eyes. 
"Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How do you confuse a Man Utd fan?
A: Show him a map of Manchester !!

==================================================

A Doncaster Rovers player is spotted by a Manchester United scout and is asked to go to Old Trafford for a trial. After 
impressing the coaching staff and Sir Alex Ferguson, he is invited into the Scots manager's office and Fergie says, "Son, I haven't seen anyone with your talent for a long time.  How would you like a contract starting at £25,000 per week."
The lad replies "£25,000 per week !!! I was lucky to get £250 at Doncaster!"
Ferguson continues "Well son, we're talking Man United here ... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and think 
big! I've also arranged a house for you, a 7 bed detached in Wilmslow .... set in 5 acres with its own pool and tennis courts."
The lad is ecstatic.

"7 bed detached!!! I've only got a council flat at Doncaster!"

Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and think 
big! I've also arranged your transport, a Jaguar XK8 for the week and a Ferrari F50 for the weekend."

The lad is on cloud nine. "A Jag and a Ferrari!!! I only had a Reliant Robin at Doncaster!"

Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and keep thinking big! 
Right I will put you on at the start of the game, but don't be surprised if I pull you off at half time."
The lad can't believe it. 

"Pull me off at half time !!! I only got an orange at Doncaster!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Posh and Becks were flying out on holiday when the plane’s Captain came on the tannoy to announce "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking."
Posh said "David, it’s that Roy Keane !"
"No, it isn’t," said Beckham "Just listen."
"I have to tell you one of our engines has failed, but there is nothing to worry about. We have three engines left and our flight 
will take an hour longer than scheduled," the Captain continued.
A little later, the Captain came on again. "One more engine has failed and the flight will now take an additional two hours. But 
don’t worry, we can fly fine on just two engines."
About an hour on, the pilot addresses the passengers once more. 
"Another engine has failed and we will therefore now be delayed three hours, but we are able to complete the flight on one engine."
At this point, Posh turns to Becks and said "Blimey, David. If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day ." !!!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Manchester United Fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

Arsenal lose at home to their North London rivals Tottenham, one fan is so depressed that he goes home and can’t face it anymore, so he hangs himself. 
Very soon (and somewhat surprisingly) he finds himself at the gates of Heaven. 
He knocks on the pearly gates and St Peter appears wearing a Spurs scarf and says "Yes! What do you want?".
The Gooner replies, "Hello, I'm an Arsenal fan and I’ve just died. So, can I come into Heaven?"
St Peter ponders "I don't know about that. We have certain criteria as to who we let in and being a Gooner doesn’t fit any of them!".
"But I'm really a good person and I should be allowed to get in".
St Peter asks "So, what good things have you done in your life then? Being a Gooner is obviously not one of them !"
The Arsenal fan says "Err, about three weeks ago I gave 10 quid to The Save The Children".
Saint Peter responds "Yes, is that all ?"
The Gooner pauses and says "Then about two weeks before I died, I gave another 10 quid to Help The Aged".
The winged guardian of Heaven murmurs "That's good, but is there anything else you've done?".
Remembering, the Highbury Heathen says "Yes, Yes. A couple of days before I passed away I did donate another 10 quid, 
this time to the RSPCA".  St. Peter said "Let me think for a minute,  you gave about 30 quid in total to charity before you 
died and despite being a Gooner, you think you're a good person who deserves to come into Heaven? Well wait here, I'll 
have a chat with God and get back to you."
10 minutes later St. Peter returns and said "I spoke to the Boss and he told me to give you this".  With which St Peter hands 
the Gooner 30 quid and said "Here's your money back! Now SOD OFF !!"

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Q: How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a lightbulb...?
Answer One : ... Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first 
place the light bulb would have never gone out!
Answer Two : ... 20 million, half a million to work out how to change it and 19.5 million to say they've been changing it for 
years...

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

The year is 1992. A Native American Indian is sitting at the bar of the Corner Pin, when a Spurs fan walks in. He gets 
chatting to the Indian and he discovers that he is famously known as the Memory Man.

"Oh, yes. Ask me any question you want and I will have the answer " he says.

The Spurs fan tries him out. "When did Tottenham first win the FA Cup ?"

"1901" replies the Indian.

"That’s amazing" the Tottenham supporter says.

"Who was the substitute for Ricardo Villa in the 1981 FA Cup final ?" he asks.

The old Indian answers "Garry Brooke."

"Right again" says the Spurs man. Anyway, the Spurs fan thinks he can catch the Red Indian out by asking who scored 
the Spurs goal in the home leg of the 1972 UEFA Cup final.

Quick as a flash, the Indian replies "Alan Mullery".

The Spurs fan is flabbergasted and walks out.

After six years had passed, the Spurs fan sees the Indian in the pub again and thinking it would be nice to give him a 
traditional greeting, he walks up with hand raised and says "How" to which the Indian shoots back "A diving header inside 
the six yard box !!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q : What do Arsenal and a three pin plug have in common ??
A : They are both useless in Europe !!

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

Q: Why do so many housewives love Arsenal ?
A: Because they stay on top for ages & then come second...

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

A Tottenham van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Arsenal fan he would see strutting down the side 
of the road in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud 'THUMP' and then he 
would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the 
van over.

the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he 
swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the Gooner. However even though he was certain he missed the red shirted 
fan, he still heard a loud 'THUD.'

Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to 
the priest and said ”I'm sorry Father, I almost hit the Arsenal fan.”
"That's okay” replied the priest. ”I got him with the door!”

}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

20 years ago, three kids were playing in the street in Manchester when they got hit by a lorry and killed. They all go to 
heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die - you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not 
your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud 
over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be."
The first kid takes a running leap and shouts "I want to be a barrister." And so, twenty years later, he is a very successful 
lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the High Court.
The second kid takes his turn and shouts "I want to be a brain surgeon." And so, twenty years later, he is the most admired 
man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives.
The third kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles off the cloud muttering "... clumsy 
great twat ..." 
And so, twenty years later ... he's still playing left back for England.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

What's the difference between the England Euro 2000 team and the Millennium bridge  ?

You can't walk all over the Millennium bridge !!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{

Rumours that David Beckham was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a Brussels nightclub with a one-liner on Tuesday night have 
been completely refuted by the English FA.
Adam Crozier, chief publicity officer stated: "I find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to 
or at anyone."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
George Graham to David Ginola : David you know, one day you will die you will turn into dust, grass will grow on it and cows passing by will eat 
the grass and then they will shit on the dust. People will pass by and say "David you have changed a lot!"

David to George Graham : George you know, one day you will die you will turn into dust, grass will grow on it and cows 
passing by will eat the 
grass and then they will shit on the dust. People will pass by and say "George you have NOT  changed at all!"
========================================================================

An Islington school teacher explains to her class that she is an Arsenal fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Arsenal fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, 
why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not an Arsenal fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Arsenal fan, then 
who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Tottenham fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, tell me, why are you a Tottenham fan?"

"Because my mum is a Tottenham fan, and my dad is a Tottenham fan, so I'm a Tottenham fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Tottenham fan. You don't have to 
be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be 
then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be an Arsenal fan."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes is browsing around a shop. Eventually, when it is quite he goes up to the counter and says.. "I would like a 
uh uh ... packet of condoms please" The assistant politely replies that this is a sports shop and they don't sell condoms. Embarrassed, the man walks out.

One hour later he is back in the shop, same question, same response.

Half an hour later he is back again, same question, only this time the assistant is getting annoyed. "Look" he says annoyed 
"This is a sports shop we don't sell condoms, how many times do I have to tell you?"

Sheepishly he looks at the assistant and says "Sorry but I'm an A*****l fan and I would like to buy a shirt but I'm too 
embarrassed to ask.

(Thanks to Colin and Sue)
===================================================

An old man had tickets to the Spurs FA Cup Final and on the Final Day as he sits down, a young man comes along and asks 
if anybody is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," the old man says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the young man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Spurs FA Cup Final and 
not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me," the old man replied. "I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. 
This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married 50 years ago."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible," says the young man. "But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, 
or even a Neighbour to take the seat?"

The old man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

(Thanks to Declan)
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Picture the scene ...

A double decker bus is passing through the shanty town of London's notorious N5 district.  On board is a Spurs fan amazed 
at the display of dereliction and dilapidation on either side of him.  At that moment, a Gooner known as Martin Keown gets 
on the bus with his extremely ugly son.

Keown sits down next to the Spurs fan, who is so surprised at the ugliness of the baby Keown, he remarks "That is the most hideous, repulsive and ugly baby that I have ever had the misfortune to lay my eyes on.  Is he David O'Leary's twin brother 
or what ?"

Martin Keown is very offended and moves to the top deck of the bus.  There he meets Mr. Ljungberg, who enquires as to 
why Keown is so down in the mouth.  Keown replies that he has been insulted by the Spurs fan.

Mr. Ljungberg says "Back home in Sweden, if that happened, we just bop the offender on the nose."

"Shall I do that then ?" Keown asks .

"Yeah," says Mr. Ljungberg. "and I'll hold your monkey while you do it !!"

**************************************************************************************************************

The whole Arsenal squad are spotted one night in a bar having a drink-up by a Spurs fan.  They finished a round by shouting 
"Ten weeks !!" and got another round in.

Amazed by what he was seeing, the Spurs fan asks "What is going on ?  Are you celebrating that it is only ten weeks to the 
end of this horrendous season for you ?"

"No, no,"  explains Denis Bergkamp. "We were doing a jigsaw puzzle and it said 2-4 years on the box, but we did it in 10 
weeks !!"

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Q : What do you call an Arsenal fan with a bottle of champagne ??

A : Waiter !!

Arsenal have got a new web site ....
It's their trophy cabinet !!
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

David Beckham and Posh are having a few problems with their sex life when Beckham decides to go to the doctor to seek professional advice.

''She doesn't seem to enjoy lovemaking anymore doc'' said Beckham!
''OK,'' said the doctor ''Hire a young Stud to stand above you and Posh, waving a flag above the both of you while you make 
love, this should help.''
''Thanks Doc'' said Becks.

So off went Becks to find a young Stud to help with his bedroom problems.
That night he and Posh had an early night, jumped into bed and made love with the Stud waving the flag over them for the 
entire lovemaking!
Again Posh didn't enjoy the experience at all, the waving flag clearly didn't do the trick so it was back to the doctors for 
Beckham the next day.
''Doc, that Stud with the flag business didn't help at all - I still couldn't satisfy Posh'' ''Right'' said the doctor ''swap with the 
young stud, you wave the flag in the air while Posh and the Stud make love, see if that helps.'' 

'It's worth a try'' says Beckham!
That night Beckham stood above the bed, waving the flag above his wife and the stud as they made love - screams of 
delight came from Posh! The screams got louder and louder - the lovemaking went on for hours, Beckham still above the 
bed waving the flag. 

When the lovemaking finally finished Beckham turned to the young stud and said ''see, that's how wave a f***ing flag'.'

(With thanks to Reg)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Beckham, Keane and Ferguson are all trapped on the roof of a burning building. The Fire Brigade duly arrive and hold out 
the big  blanket for the guys to jump onto.

They are understandably all a bit nervous but, being a brave lad and the club captain, Keane goes first. At the last second, 
the firemen whip the blanket away. Keane splats on the pavement, dead. 

Still giggling, the firemen shout to Ferguson to go next. He jumps, they move the blanket, he makes a pancake on the 
pavement, high fives all around from  the firemen.

Last to go is Beckham. But he's not having any of it....

" You'll move the blanket" he shouts.
"No we won't" they reply. 
"It's no good, I don't trust you. You'll move the blanket again" shouts Becks.
"Come on, jump you fool" they shout.
"Well, alright" he replies. "But I'm not jumping until you put the blanket down and move away from it......"

(With thanks to Reg)
   __________________________________________________________________________

Fabien Barthez is ill, so Alex Ferguson offers to go shopping for him.
While in the local supermarket, he bumps into Glenn Hoddle.
"Hello, Alex, what are you doing here?"
"I'm getting a bag of potatoes for Fabien Barthez."
"Sounds like a fair swap to me!!"

(With thanks to Reg)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

A plane was about to crash and there were five people on board and only four parachutes. The first person said " I am Allan 
Langer, one of the best footballers in Australia . I am worth a lot of money and my fans need me so I should be saved." 
The others agreed and gave him one of the parachutes and off he went.
The second person said "I am Peter Costello, and I will be the next Prime Minister and I can really help my country and I 
think I should be saved." The others said." o.k." and gave him a parachute.
The third person said "I am David Beckham, captain of the English National  Squad. I have a wife and son with another child 
on the way. Everyone knows I am a really nice guy and everyone thinks I am stupid, but I'm not, so I am taking a parachute" 
and off he went.
There were two folk left, the Pope and a 10 year old schoolgirl. The Pope said, "child I am old and frail and have lived my 
life while you are young with everything before you, you take the parachute and I will stay with the aircraft and take my 
chance"
"It's OK," said the girl, "there are still two parachutes.  David Beckham picked up my schoolbag."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

David Beckham is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'. 
One little boy stands up and offers that if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street and a car came 
along and killed him that would be a tragedy.

"No," Beckham says, "that would be an ACCIDENT." 

A girl raises her hand.
"If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved..... that would be a tragedy." 
"I'm afraid not," explains Beckham.
"That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent, none of the children volunteer.
"What?" asks Beckham, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy ?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says "If an airplane carrying David Beckham was blown up by 
a bomb, that would be a tragedy." Beckham beams. 

"Marvellous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" 

"Well," says the boy "because it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss".

(With thanks to Reg)

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

A West Ham supporter walks past a shop window and notices a video for sale entitled "West Ham - The Golden Years"
The supporter asks the shopkeeper "How much for the video mate ?"

The shopkeeper replies "£200."
"£200 for a video ?" says the fan, 'You're having a laugh.'
"Oh no" the shopkeeper replies "The video's only a fiver, but the Betamax player will cost you £195"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A Chelsea fan, a Newcastle fan, a Tottenham fan, and an Arsenal fan are climbing a mountain.
On the way to the top, each is arguing about how loyal they are to their team and what they would do for that team.  As the 
climb gets higher, the wagers increase. 

Upon reaching the top, the Chelsea fan shouts, "This is for Chelsea !!!" and hurls himself off the top of the mountain.
Next the Newcastle fan yells, "I love Newcastle ... This is for you my Geordie Boys !!" and he, too, jumps off the top.

Suddenly, the Tottenham fan screams, "This is for EVERYONE!!" and pushes the Arsenal fan off.

********************************************************************

It is the year 2018 and Romeo Beckham is about to sign professional terms with Manchester United. He turns to his dad 
and asks, "What squad number should I ask for dad?"

David thinks for a moment and says.....

..........."Wear four out there Romeo" ! ! ! ! ! ! !

********************************************************************

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and David Beckham are standing in Heaven before the throne of God.

God looks at them and says, "And so here you stand facing your Lord and maker. I shall ask each of you a question."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "Ronaldo, one of the world's greatest football players, what is it that you believe brought 
you here before me?"

Ronaldo looks God in the eye and says passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such 
unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bringing such 
joy to people with little else, who stood on the terraces supporting their team."

God smiles and offers Ronaldo a seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo, "And similarly you, Luis, a hero to so many, what do you think it was that brought you to my 
throne?"

Figo stands tall and proud and says, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my 
whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these commitments."

God, moved by the passion of his speech offers Figo a seat to his right.

He then turns to Beckham and says, "And you, David - presumably you want your ball back?"

********************************************************************

All the Arsenal strikers are either injured or suspended, so Wenger has no option but to put his new found Afghanistan striker in the starting line up.

Would you believe it but on his debut and at home he scores a hat trick ! Pleased as punch he telephones his mum with the good news !

“You’ve scored a hat trick ?” his mum says in a rage.  “Did you know that your father has been murdered, our house has been ransacked and your little sister has been raped, it’s all your fault !”

“Why is it my fault ?”

[Thanks to Mario Sergides]

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David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank, "I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir," replies the receptionist, "have you donated before ?"
"Yes," replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer"
"Oh yes, I've found your details," says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham.
The receptionist replies "Well, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker ..."

[Thanks to Mario Sergides]

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David Seaman was off injured at home. 
Arsene Wenger went round there and asked him if he could get him anything. 
Seaman said "Yeah, I'd like a few bags of potatoes from the local supermarket please." 
So off trots Wenger to Sainsbury's, when who should he see in there but England team manager Sven Goran Eriksson 
"Hi Sven," says Wenger. 
"Hello," says Sven. 
"What are you doing in here Arsene ?" 
Wenger says, "I'm getting a bag of potatoes for David Seaman." "I say," says Sven.
"That's a good deal!"

[Thanks to Mario Sergides]

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Quasimodo asks Esmeralda, "Am I really the ugliest bastard in the world ?"
"Why don't you go upstairs to the Magic Mirror and ask ?" says Esmeralda.
Quasimodo goes upstairs to the mirror and returns a few minutes later.
As he hobbles in Esmeralda asks "Well, what did the mirror say ?"
To which Quasimodo replies, "Who's Martin Keown ?"

[Thanks to Mario Sergides]

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Why do housewives love Arsenal ?


Because they stay on top for ages and come second ...

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A Leeds Fan, a Liverpool fan and a United fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.  By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Leeds fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."  
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Leeds fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. 

The Manc was next up and after watching the scene, said: " Please fix two pillows on my back, under my dress" But even two pillows and one dress could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Scouser was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world.  For this, you may have two wishes!" 

"Cheers pal, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The Scouser replies.      

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Please tie the Manc to my back."

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Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached the £1 million question.
Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for £1 million, and remember, you still  have two lifelines left,  so please take your time.
"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Set ?
"Is it. a, a badger b, a ferret c, a mole or d, a cuckoo?"
Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.I'll have to go 50-50."
"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with. 'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."
Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."
So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.
"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham.
"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win £1 million. The next voice you hear will be Sven's."
"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a Set ?  Is it a badger or a cuckoo ?"
"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.
"You sure, son ?" says Sven.
"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger.  Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger."
"Final answer, Sven?"
"Final answer, Chris."
"That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million !"
Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.
"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder!  But how the heck did you know that a badger lives in a Set?"
"Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham ... But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

[Thanks to Paul Robinson]

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[Thanks to Paul Robinson]

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Three Arsenal fans and three spurs fans are travelling by train to an England football match at Old Trafford.

At the station, the three Arsenal fans each buy a ticket and watch as the three spurs fans buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Arsenal fans.  "Watch and learn," answers one of the Spurs fans.

They all board the train.

The Arsenal fans take their respective seats but all three Spurs fans cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Gooners see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.

So after the game, they decide to copy the Spurs fans on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the spurs fans don't buy a ticket at all !!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Gooner.

"Watch and learn," answers a Spurs fan..

When they board the train the three Gooners cram into a toilet and soon after the three Spurs fans cram into another toilet nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the spurs fans leaves the toilet and walks  over to the toilet where the Gooners are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

[Thanks to Vincent Barker]

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It's rather cold up in Leeds - reports suggest it's minus 15

[Thanks to Jamie Chapman - following a fifteen point penalty at the start of the 2007-08 season for the Elland Road club]

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