the brutal column 



A long lost relative of Ali G, Davi B tells of how the club are getting along with ENIC in charge.

A friend of mine was going down the dustbins at White Hart Lane when he came upon this screwed up document.
It appears to be some abortive program notes for the Bradford game.
It seems that David Buchler worried about the adverse publicity he has been getting called in a team of image consultants who told him to try a more trendy image in touch with the culture of youth and North London.
So I bring you the thoughts of Davi B (with apologies to Ali G)

Respect to the Tottenham massive enic, and me and me brudder Danni El is makin' Totts massive again.
Boomshaka me and Danni El is just like de rest of de Spurs breddren enic we luv de Totts and clubbin' in fact we bin all over, Praugue, Athens, Vicenza, Glasgow pickin up clubs on de way enic.
As de brudders know we have lost Sticky George and Ghost Face Stew but I and I is happy to give respect to Gods Gift Glen who has joined our posse enic, wicked.
I and I was wit God's Gift in me office last week and we is rappin' spiritual mesay to Glenn "you is religious man what you tink of Haille Sillasssie ?"
Him say "I quite liked the films, but I could never keep a dog, in that situation you never know who it's been in a previous life." Raas, me say enic "Do you like Jah ?"
himsay "I don`t mind a lager in certain situations."
Me give up enic, by now me have de munchies so me say to Glenn "You want rice and Peas?"
Himsay "I thought the situation was that you wanted all the Gooners out.  No, I've got John Gorman let Them stay at Arsenal
"Boomba enic, me not too safe wit Gorman him 'tache look a bit batty to I.
I decide to vex Glenn about Saturday "Was you sad not to be kickin' it against de Goons on Saturday Triple G ?"
Himsay "To be honest Davi no, I've never much liked it up the Arsenal especially in a situation where you get stuffed, Pleaty was probably the right man for that".
Wicked Glenn enic, well dat's enough from me your THFC VC MC
Davi B



Not being one to name drop myself it is with reluctance that I must inform you of the evening I spent after an unexpected summons to the lair of that Spurs legend Ronnie Rosenthal (who for some unfathomable reason seems to have adopted the voice and mannerisms of Sir Alec Guinness' Fagin).
Being a man of foresight if nothing else I decided to arm myself with a dictaphone in case the great man let any pearls of wisdom drop whilst I was casing the joi .... wasn't paying attention.
I now bring the transcript of this to you, which I shall entitle ...

An Evening Round At Ronnies

Knock knock
Me:  Hello Ronnie its me Brutal from the internet.
RR:  Oh hi hang on
ME:  Ronnie are you ok?
RR:  Is all right boy I juzz fall over, come in come in lets go to the study and have a drink before we ea ..oops! aargh!
ME:  Here let me help you up.
RR:  Is alright, I used to it, come come.
RR:  Here get that bottle of thunderbird of the mantle, I bin saving it for a special occasion.
ME:  What this one here with a big number 32 on it?
RR:  Yezz, got that as me prize in the second season I was at spurs, supporter's player of the year.
ME:  I don`t remember you winning that Ron
RR:  Win it, no I didn't win it, I came thirty second, season of my life it was.
ME:  But the first team squad was only 28 that year.
RR:  Yezz I wonder a bit about that myself, still pass the bottle boy.. oh dam all over the carpet.
ME:  Would you like me to clean it up Ron?
RR:  No don't worry boy, I expect I'll be down there later.
ME:  So I hear your an agent nowadays Ron, did you start as soon as you left Watford?
RR:  No boy, I had a go at being a comedian but the dammndest thing when I was a footballer I had em rolling in their seats but on stage ..zilch.

RR:  Ah the micro wave, I'll go fetch the grub.
......Bash CRASH SMASH Tinkle... KABOOM!!
ME:  Is everything alright Ronnie?
RR:  Is alright boy I have a little mishap, fall over and knock bloodys micro whatsit on floor, never mind I'll ring up a take away.
Hello is that Bagel Junction, is Ronnie Rosenthal, has you got any of them cheese bagels left over from last Saturday's game...oh only the smoked salmon, pity I was hoping to save those for the other one ..yes Sir Alan the gullible schmuck, still ok send them over.
Well that's all taken care o...arrgh!
smash crash SNAP!
ME:  Oh dear Ronnie it looks as though you've done yourself a right mischief I think I'd better leave.
RR:  Groan, yes alright, but before you go let me just say what I gots you here to hear, the trouble with Spurs since I left is there's just no balance !!




A Close Encounter Of The Gallic Kind.

 As bad days go they don't come much worse; get up early make a long journey and have your hopes and dreams creamed by the Devil's disciples in all too comprehensive a manner.

Now on the long journey back from Manchester to make matters worse my bladder was starting to play the "Dam Busters March" on my stomach.  Having decided to leave the pleasure of watching the triumphant hordes from the Hell that is Highbury for others to endure I decided to make my way back to London by the quieter route and now with my neck close to breaking I sought relief.  As soon as I spotted the services my attention was focused on the bathroom and as I got out the car oblivious to my surroundings that was where I sprinted.

As I walked in the door I caught the sound of a song apparently stifled by my entry

“Zank heaven for little b….”

Across the room at one of the two traps stood a figure not unlike a larger version of Charles Hawtry from the "Carry On" films.

Never mind, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do and I quickly crossed the room stood next to the guy and let nature take its course.

He broke the silence

“Not very big are they,"

“Er , I'm sorry.”

“Your shirt.  Les Totts, certainly not as big as they were ”

I looked up at his face for the first time and in a state of shock blurted out  “Wenger”

“Non.  I merely shake off ze drips, ez customary non?”

Still taken aback, but not wishing to seem a cultural buffoon I replied “Oui oui.”

“Pah, but of course, anything else I would use ze cubicle, zees ez England after all not France”

He strolled across to the basin and began to rinse his hands.  Was it really him ?  I decided to probe.

“ So you're off to Spain in the summer then ?”

“Spain ? Non, I prefer the Philippines or Bangkok for my vacations.”

“No, I meant Barcelona.”

“ Ahh. I zee, is possible, it is Tigana that I really envy.  I think I would feel at home at ze Cottage, au revoir.

He turned and walked to the door, as he did so he started to sing “Every little breeze seems to whisper Denis.”

And with that he was gone.

I rushed through my own ablutions and dashed outside to see where the stranger had gone, would my identification be confirmed as I saw him get on a big team bus that I had missed in my hurry ?

Look as I might he was nowhere to be seen, no coach nothing.

Just as I headed back to my car the dulcet tones of Rolf Harris sprang from the piped music overhead   “Two little boys had two little toys…”



More Brutal material ...

George Graham's Benefit Concert  -  Charity begins at home

Kanu's Shame  -  Footballers and money don't mix

The Ginola Tapes  -  Videos from the vaults of White Hart Lane

Is Les  A TV ??  -  TV-ing troubles for the new manager

Contract Talks  -  A secret insight

Season Tickets  -  The reasons behind the cup voucher affair

The Thrill Of Espionage  -  Secret agency works at Highbury.

So you want to be a big Iron  -  Management appointment at the Boleyn.

The Same Old Song  -  A rule of Irons !!

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire  -  How to make a mince ... er, sorry  ... mint. 

Rat Joins a sinking ship  -  Sol does the dirty

Comparisons are odious  -  Bunjy the Balkan Beckanbauer

Wupert The Bear With A Sore Head  -  SCBC top man in a modern fairy tale

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