| In this
first of an occasional series of articles looking
at the major technological advances in soccer, I
will be investigating the proliferation of facial
aids used by players in the game today. From
here in the U S of A, soccer is a new fangled
contraption that has us foxed. What with no piles
of protective equipment and the possibility of
going to the match and leaving without your team
ending up as World Champions, well it's all a bit
hard to take in. Nevertheless, here at the
University of Soccer, Downtown Illinois, my
department has made a comprehensive study of all
things soccer to make us the world's leading
authority on TechnoSoccer.
Watching the English game from afar, I was
strangely struck last season when I saw many
players seemed to have suffered facial injuries
in training. This surely could not have been the
case, so then I wondered if I had stumbled across
a new sport combining the grace of Synchronised
swimming and the power and passion of soccer.
Then, I found out about nose plasters.
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| Although it is widely thought
that these items were first seen on American
footballer Jerry Rice of the San Francisco 49ers,
it can be seen in this archive picture (right)
that they were tested during World War I to
increase the length of time troops could spend in
smelly trenches. Many men lost their lives and
only a major cover-up has stopped this
information coming to the public's attention. 3M,
the Sellotape Company, took up on the idea and
managed to develop a nose plaster that reduces
nasal resistance to incoming air by one third.
This allows the energy used to overcome this
friction to be used elsewhere. Originally
designed as a cure to resolve problems
experienced with snoring, they were initially
triall ed on Arsenal supporters. The prototype
plasters were soon kicked into touch as they were
sellotape based and the guinea-pigs wearing them
were roundly abused for their ridiculous
appearance (Although in hindsight it appears that
this may have had nothing to do with the nose
plasters). But once the clip type plaster used
nowadays came into being they really took off.
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However, the development was not without
problems. As you can see (left), Paul
"Gazza" Gascoigne is modelling one of
the Mark VII plasters. This particular variant
actually increased the volume of oxygen reaching
the brain (something highly necessary in this
individual because of the long distance
involved.), although as can be seen from the
picture right, there were frightening
after-effects as a result of using this prototype
in a full match scenario. After a long rest break
in a comfort zone, this player made a complete
recovery and proceeded to play a responsible role
in the game. |
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| For many, the introduction of
these clips from the game of Rugby has raised
many points of debate. Will soccer players turn
into lumbering great hulks with a passion for a
punch-up? Will England break away from FIFA and
negotiate their own Sky TV deal?? Will Tony Adams
start havi ng secret meetings with Princess Diana
(Heaven forbid)?? There are numerous questions
thrown up by the use of these implements. If they
increase the amount of energy saved by the drop
in air resistance, then why do Synchronised
swimmers use them? But that surely must be a
problem for the TechnoSyncSwim experts to resolve
in their own good time . One of the first
British players to regularly wear the plasters
was Robbie Fowler of Liverpool FC. We have heard
that Robbie and his pals are 'scalies'(sic), so
this initially led us to believe that they had
been involved in a fracas at The Cavern or
another Liverpool night club, resulting in Fowler
receiving a hit to the nose and having to bear
the ignominy of carrying the plaster into the
match scenario.
It has also been rumoured that the England
squad was instructed to wear the plasters during
their recent trip to Hong Kong. There were two
reasons for this. Firstly, when out drinking bobs
wanting to pick a fight with them would think
they had a broken nose, so would avoid punching
them in the face and thus spoiling the team
photos and secondly, the extra oxygen would allow
them to assimilate the alcohol into their
bloodstream quicker.
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| With the current focus on drugs
testing, how long can it be before FIFA take
steps to measure the oxygen intake of players to
see if they have been using oxygen enhancing
plasters. Quite what would happen at high
altitude is anybody's guess, but if Paul Merson
would like to take part in trials, I'm sure he
would not be in need of any artificial stimulants
. As time goes by, these strips of plaster
will no doubt be regarded as a hilarious
anachronism, especially when the Japanese further
their technoSoccer knowledge and miniaturise
them. New concepts will be devised and new
products manufactured, but the footballers must
have a certain modicum of talent for all of this
technology to be of any use.
In the future, players could even be wearing
something like this to increase their lungpower!
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Robinson Heath
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